Alright, I had to get off the phone, and come to the computer where I can type a proper page of praise for this.
The part about burning out, and wanting/trying to make oneself indispensable, thinking if we do more than others for the same price, we'll be the first for promotions, and escape exploitation, is way too relatable, as well as staying too long in places we know are not sustainable for us. (proverbial "we" and "us," see: me)
The way that you've paced the alcoholism creeping in and taking more and more space felt like experiencing it sneak in in real time. Substance usage as a balance, and feeling more balanced because you're doing it while teetering on a substance - again, very relatable.
I liked the echo of the designer wanting to "make pretty dresses," and could imagine how jarring hearing your own words of encouragement or ethos, suddenly used as a write-off for someone else's accountability, must have felt.
There have been too many times in my life that I have not charged what I was worth thinking that I was earning loyalty, and not realizing I was compromising respect for myself and my labor. That hit hard. Freaking bleeding hearts. I sometimes wonder what Nietzsche would say about me doing that buuuuut... I also have some idea and it ain't nice lol.
Some parts I especially enjoyed were the "flattery always arrives when your judgment is at its most porous", the analogy or metaphor or whatnot (I am clearly very technical) of gas filling the room, the flies outnumbering the audience, and the description of shame.
You also tackle imposter syndrome and impulsive (though very calmly impulsive) self-destruction that comes with it very well, and painfully so.
The wedding dress... Damn have I been there too. I was a master of precision cuts for 7 or so years at multiple salons, left to pursue my own business in a totally different field, stayed in the strip club industry for over a decade, and when Covid shut everything down, I went back to cosmetology. So much had changed, and few places let stylists only do cuts. I was booked for color corrections I had no business doing, and had 2 clients leave my chair with hair falling out of their heads from over-bleaching. It has also been years, and I still feel so goddamn guilty and ashamed.
Somewhat on that same subject, walking away from cash in hand is so. so. hard.
Charity prom outfits for the underprivileged?!?!?!?! I truly hope you are so fucking proud of that because you should be. It is so important, and I can't imagine how excited those folks are to get garments from someone who genuinely cares and puts their whole heart into them. You rock.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading both parts of this story. I don't know what else you have coming, but I will be here ready to read it!
Genuinely, thank you for this. Comments like yours are the reason I publish the difficult stuff instead of keeping it in the drafts folder!
The "earning loyalty by undercharging" thing is one of the cruelest traps in any craft industry, and the realisation that you were quietly trading self-respect for it tends to arrive years too late, usually in the middle of doing it again. You're not alone in that. I think anyone whose work involves their hands and their taste ends up there at some point. The boundary between generosity and self-erasure gets so thin you stop being able to feel it.
And god, the bleached hair. I felt that in my chest. The wedding dress sits in me the same way, years on, sober, with all the context I didn't have at the time, and it still surfaces. I think the shame stays because we were the ones who cared, which is exactly why we got pulled into doing something we weren't equipped for in the first place. People who don't care don't carry it afterwards.
Thank you for the kind words about the prom project — it's the work I'm proudest of, hands down. And for reading both parts so closely.
Alright, I had to get off the phone, and come to the computer where I can type a proper page of praise for this.
The part about burning out, and wanting/trying to make oneself indispensable, thinking if we do more than others for the same price, we'll be the first for promotions, and escape exploitation, is way too relatable, as well as staying too long in places we know are not sustainable for us. (proverbial "we" and "us," see: me)
The way that you've paced the alcoholism creeping in and taking more and more space felt like experiencing it sneak in in real time. Substance usage as a balance, and feeling more balanced because you're doing it while teetering on a substance - again, very relatable.
I liked the echo of the designer wanting to "make pretty dresses," and could imagine how jarring hearing your own words of encouragement or ethos, suddenly used as a write-off for someone else's accountability, must have felt.
There have been too many times in my life that I have not charged what I was worth thinking that I was earning loyalty, and not realizing I was compromising respect for myself and my labor. That hit hard. Freaking bleeding hearts. I sometimes wonder what Nietzsche would say about me doing that buuuuut... I also have some idea and it ain't nice lol.
Some parts I especially enjoyed were the "flattery always arrives when your judgment is at its most porous", the analogy or metaphor or whatnot (I am clearly very technical) of gas filling the room, the flies outnumbering the audience, and the description of shame.
You also tackle imposter syndrome and impulsive (though very calmly impulsive) self-destruction that comes with it very well, and painfully so.
The wedding dress... Damn have I been there too. I was a master of precision cuts for 7 or so years at multiple salons, left to pursue my own business in a totally different field, stayed in the strip club industry for over a decade, and when Covid shut everything down, I went back to cosmetology. So much had changed, and few places let stylists only do cuts. I was booked for color corrections I had no business doing, and had 2 clients leave my chair with hair falling out of their heads from over-bleaching. It has also been years, and I still feel so goddamn guilty and ashamed.
Somewhat on that same subject, walking away from cash in hand is so. so. hard.
Charity prom outfits for the underprivileged?!?!?!?! I truly hope you are so fucking proud of that because you should be. It is so important, and I can't imagine how excited those folks are to get garments from someone who genuinely cares and puts their whole heart into them. You rock.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading both parts of this story. I don't know what else you have coming, but I will be here ready to read it!
Genuinely, thank you for this. Comments like yours are the reason I publish the difficult stuff instead of keeping it in the drafts folder!
The "earning loyalty by undercharging" thing is one of the cruelest traps in any craft industry, and the realisation that you were quietly trading self-respect for it tends to arrive years too late, usually in the middle of doing it again. You're not alone in that. I think anyone whose work involves their hands and their taste ends up there at some point. The boundary between generosity and self-erasure gets so thin you stop being able to feel it.
And god, the bleached hair. I felt that in my chest. The wedding dress sits in me the same way, years on, sober, with all the context I didn't have at the time, and it still surfaces. I think the shame stays because we were the ones who cared, which is exactly why we got pulled into doing something we weren't equipped for in the first place. People who don't care don't carry it afterwards.
Thank you for the kind words about the prom project — it's the work I'm proudest of, hands down. And for reading both parts so closely.